Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
