I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize