I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
