If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
