Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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