Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Barsexuality is the new black.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
