I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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