Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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