I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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