You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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