any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
