I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
