I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
