wrigley field is MILF paradise
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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