I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
