____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
