Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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