I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
