Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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