He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
