The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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