My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
