There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
