i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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