As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
