Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
