Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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