the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My penis needs a shock collar
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
