I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
