happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
