i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
