As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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