first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
