I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
