I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
