I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
