I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
