how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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