my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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