Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
