He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
do nipples grow back?
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