they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
