i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize