I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
