I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
