last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
