and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
