he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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