all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
