Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
