i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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