took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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