aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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