Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Do vagina's smell?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
