you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
