I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
