yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
