Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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